Meritocracy

As we are told time and time again by our glorious political leaders, we no longer have a class system in the UK. We now bask in an egalitarian paradise known as meritocracy. This means you are only successful if you aspire to be. If you want it and by your hard work only you can make something of your life. Your social class or your familie’s financial position no longer plays a part in success, it’s all down to you! Great isn’t it?

Take, for example, the story of our current Prime Minister David ‘Camo’ Cameron. He was born in a tow bed council flat in Tottenham but he managed by his own hard work to drag himself up to become the Prime Minister of Great Britain. Camo was mostly raised alone by his crack smoking mother, as the person Jeremy Kyle successfully identified as his dad, was in and out of prison for GBH, benefit fraud and petty crimes. His mother, a full time heroin addict and part time hooker was rarely home and little David grew up in abject poverty, surviving exclusively on beans on toast (hence his pallid complexion) and his wits. The fact that he managed to get where he is today by his own merit is an shining example to us all.

There is however, someone even more remarkable than him. Someone who’s meteoric rise to the top makes a mockery of the three million unemployed who constantly whine about the lack of jobs and opportunities. Someone who proves categorically that regardless of where you were born, which class you were born into and however humble your childhood was, if you are prepared to work hard and dedicate your self you can rise to the top.

We are talking of course, about the poster girl for our new meritocracy, Her Royal Highness the Queen II of England. She has by her own merit clawed her way to becoming one of the richest people on the planet. By her hard work and sacrifice alone she has a personal wealth of £17 Billion. She technically owns every single bit of land in the UK and all the beaches and the sea 12 nautical miles out. She owns four palaces and numerous other properties. The crafty little minx has also managed to procure huge swathes of Scotland, Ireland, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Barbados, The Bahamas, Jamaica … I could go on but you get the picture.

The girl has done so well for herself and has accumulated so much cash she is able to employ a man who’s sole job it is to ensure that when she is at Windsor her cutlery is Straight and all the chairs at the table line up. She has two people employed to keep her fires alight. One man has the sole job of looking after the flag on Windsor castle and yet another to ensure that all the clocks are reading the correct time.

Her kids think nothing of going out on the razz in London and spending £15,000 on champagne and they drive cars worth more than the whinny dole scrounging scum will earn in a lifetime. As you contemplate this staggering display of opulence, remember she did this herself, by her own merit and hard work.

So next time you worry about paying your gas bill or having enough food to feed your family, remember little Liz and what she accomplished with her life. I suggest you put a huge portrait of her on your wall to serve as a reminder as to what YOU could accomplish with YOUR life if only you got off your fat arse.

May I also suggest you spend money you have not got celebrating her upcoming diamond Jubilee and you use this opportunity to be thankful she exists. You can forget your pathetic life for a day and bask in her reflective glory, get emotional with neighbors you have never met before you will never speak to again. Be thankful (cue the damn buster music) that you live in Britain  a fair and decent country where every single person is treated equally. A country where no class system exists and instead we reward people for their merits alone. God bless the Queen John.

I can only say if you are poor, shame on you.

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